This past August, during a prayer time, the Lord asked me, "Who do YOU say I am?" I sat in stunned silence, unable to answer. Has the Lord ever directly asked you that question? Finally, all I could whisper was, "You know, Lord." He replied, "I am the God Who Knows Your Name."
I was stunned because He was revealing my heart to me, and He was showing me that He is the Only One who knows, really knows, me, and the only One who is capable of telling me my name - my identity. I don’t know myself, but He knows my true Self. He said to me, "Your identity is NOT that YOU know ME. It is that I know YOU." I was slain and could only lay prostrate before Him. I realized that many of my prayer meetings, emails, and preaching have been for my own glorification, in a desperate attempt for an identity. The identity the world gives us is short-lived, false, and never satisfying. I feel like a Pharisee because I realized I have been using my spirituality like a piece of jewelry or some fancy garment in order to be noticed and praised by others, to feel that I have worth and value. In essence, I have been treating God like He is some cheap trinket to flash around, that I use to get attention. I've never felt so convicted or sorrowful over my sin.
Over the past few weeks, I began reading the Bible from front to back, and when I came to Genesis 32, the Lord overwhelmed me again, with this question: “What is your name?” Just like he asked Jacob that question as he wrestled with him. He had revealed Himself to me as the God Who Knows My Name, but I never thought to ask Him, “What is my name? Who really am I?” Was God allowing me the adventure of self discovery? This question caused me to think about my given name and what it means. “Cathy Ann” means “Pure Grace.” I am sad to admit that I’ve always thought of this from a selfish point of view – that God gave me as a gift to the world (I KNOW! How arrogant is THAT?!). I realized this time, however, that in reality, my name is true in the sense that my very life is a gift to me from God. I have done nothing to deserve being called from nothingness into existence. Every breath, each moment, is pure gift from God to me. I exist simply because of God’s grace and His goodness. Like Jacob, I needed to wrestle with God to see my true self.
Jacob means “deceiver” or “one who grasps.” Surely when he spoke his name to God in this divine wrestling match he was finally seeing the truth – the truth about himself, but also the truth about God. God has been leading me on the same journey of self discovery. Once again I realize I have been believing lies and not seeing the truth. My heart and the world would tell me “You are a gift to others.” No. My life is a gift to me from God. My life is gift, pure grace to me. I do not deserve to exist, to breathe, to BE. Surely, like Jacob, all of my life I, too, have been a fraud and a deceiver. How can any of us hope to be transformed to be someone who is really real, who is genuine, who is true? The only hope is again through grace – sanctification is a gift that comes through God alone. Only He can transform us to be like Him, the Only True Being. None of our feeble and sad attempts to make ourselves true and right and holy – none of our plans, rules, or strategies will work. We must surrender totally to Him to become who we were meant to be in Christ Jesus.
I’ve been praying for revival for Bethel for a long time, and I have often asked the questions, “WHY do we want revival? What really IS revival?” As I have encountered the Holy Spirit, I keep coming back to the same answer: to be immersed in His Presence. In His Presence, who can stand? Only when we have the veil pulled back and become aware of God’s presence and His absolute Holiness, his transcendence and his “otherness” do we begin to see ourselves for who and what we really are. I know God has been revealing connections to me between His two questions to me, “Who do YOU say I am?” and “What is your name?” and revival and Jacob’s wrestling with God. I think I have finally understood the connections.
When Jacob wrestles with God, God does not overcome Jacob, but He simply tells him to let go because the dawn is breaking. God himself never lets go of Jacob. All of his life, God had been with Jacob, and He went wherever Jacob went, allowing Jacob to have control of his own life. But as God wrestles with him, God manifests himself and asks the question, “What is your name?” He is challenging Jacob to see himself as he really is. The last time Jacob was asked this question was when he deceived his father into believing he was his brother Esau and then stole his blessing. All of His life Jacob took matters into his own hands to try and control his destiny. God had revealed Himself to Jacob at Bethel and told him, "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” But, Jacob had not believed God’s promises that He would bless Jacob and be with Him. He had not trusted God. Now, as he wrestles in God’s manifest presence Jacob is finally aware of himself, and he surrenders to God and lets go. The result? Now God has Jacob, and now Jacob goes with God.
We also see Jesus wrestling in the Garden of Gethsemane – will He allow the Father to be in control, will he surrender to God’s will? Jesus responds and restores humanity by trusting in the God Who Knows His Name. Jesus knew the Father and trusted His promises to raise Him from the dead and exalt him. Sanctification and the baptism of the Holy Spirit are similar to Jacob’s encounter with God. When we are born again, we receive the Holy Spirit and He is always with us; He goes wherever we go. But when we are baptized and filled with the Spirit, we see ourselves as we really are and surrender all control of our lives to Him. Wherever He goes, we follow. The receiving of the Spirit and the baptizing of the Spirit are two separate events (John 20: 21, Acts 2).
Revival is about God’s people being immersed in His Spirit, seeing God for who He really is in all of His holiness, and seeing ourselves as we are and then surrendering control to Him. When this occurs, God pours out his blessing and many lives are saved. Revival is not about miracles, signs, and wonders, it is all about surrender to God and trusting in all of His promises and who He says He is; it is about letting go and no longer wrestling with God and our identity, but letting God tell us who we are in Christ and letting Him be in control.
“Who do you say I am?”
“What is your name?”
AMEN.
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