I am beginning to learn that living where "the air is thin" is painful and difficult at times. At times it is hard to breathe or even move as I am in the Presence of the Holy Spirit. All I want to do is to fall face down and worship Him. My spirit longs for Him, to have communion with Him alone. I feel as though I am living on the cusp between 2 worlds: heaven, where God is obeyed, where there is Truth, Love, Justice, and Goodness, and this world - this world filled with selfishness, greed, rudeness, and pride, and the lies and deceit of Satan, this world that does not believe in God's Truth, His Love, His Goodness, His Grace, that does not know that God is FOR them and only wants what is GOOD and BEST for them.
I want to walk around and tell everyone I meet about God's goodness and His glory, about His trustworthiness and Love. Sometimes I want to shout at people, "Lies! Lies! You are believing lies about God, about Who He Really Is. He is All. He is all you need for Life. He is ALL you need - let Him tell you your worth, value, significance, and let Him give you your identity. Only He is perfect and true and knows you as you really are - and He LOVES you! He proved His love for you by dying on the Cross for you - His wounds declare, 'THIS is how much I love you!'
It is hard, living where the air is thin, when you have known the Lord and His ways and have trusted Him, and still must continue to live in this world that does not know, that does not believe. Maybe this is why Enoch was allowed to simply vanish. Maybe living in both worlds became too much for Him, and God took Him away so He would know rest and peace.
I began longing for life where the air is thin after I encountered the Holy Spirit in a powerful way this past summer. On August 16th I prayed, "You are Holy, majestic, and mighty, and in Your Presence who can stand? But I want to be near You - so it is worth the risk. I may be consumed, but just one glimpse of your glory would be worth it all, O my beautiful God and King. Please come, please come and manifest Yourself to me." Adonai was kind enough to answer this prayer of my heart. On August 22nd I experienced the Spirit in a way I have never experienced before:
"All else fades in the Beauty of His Holiness. Surely only in Him is there any real meaning or reality. I felt as though I was being immersed and drawn into His Beauty - His Holiness - His Boundless Love - and His "Oneness." I felt as though I could stay there forever, simply living in His embrace, and it seemed that resting in Him was the only True Reality, worth everything to find and to keep - for the rest of my life I think I will do anything to experience Him like this again. I weep as I long to be with Him in this way, "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee." I desired only to be completely emptied of my Self so that He could fill me completely, and I could stay in His Oneness forever, and now I am conscious of each moment and watchful that I do nothing to grieve Him. I want my selfish, self-centered, protective, defensive, and fearful false self to die completely so I may be one with Him."
This was my prayer, and continues to be my prayer as I live where the air is thin: I want Him to be All:
"Holy Spirit, You are here. You are drawing me into the Father, and I desire nothing more than You and Your manifest Presence. You are Beauty. You are Love. Consume me, O God. Burn away all of my iniquity and fill me with Yourself. I pray for and seek only Oneness with You. You are ALL. You are One, and You invite me to join You in Your perichoresis, your Great Dance of Self-giving Love, Your Dance of One-ness. How may I join this dance if there is selfishness in me? O Good God, my Holy Spirit, Flame of Truth and Power, destroy the false selves in me. Destroy the strongholds of self that are jealous, envious, protective, self-seeking, unkind, rude, prideful, arrogant, slanderous, and mostly, religious. I am holy only because of Your Presence within me. You alone are Holy. I confess I have been a Pharisee all of my Christian life. I have worn my spirituality like a piece of jewelry or a fine garment to be seen by others. I have dishonored You and used You, my Savior, God, and Spirit. I am an unworthy vessel, I am nothing but an ugly jar of clay without You. Forgive me for my pride, my selfishness, and for seeking my worth and identity from the world, and from the church, rather than from You. You are the God Who Knows My Name. I pray now for emptiness, for poverty of Spirit. Let me be as nothing, so that You may fill me and be All. O Good Spirit of the Living God, conform me to the Image of Christ. May the attitudes of my heart, mind, soul, and strength be the same as that of Christ Jesus - who considered Himself nothing, and became a slave, dying on a Cross like a criminal, for me. How I do not deserve your grace, your mercy, your kindness!
O Flame of Love, burn away all my sin and selfishness and pride in the crucible of Your Holiness. Draw me into You and give me Oneness with You. I have tasted You, and You are Good. There is no evil in You. There is nothing on earth I desire besides You! Do not leave me, o please stay. Fill all of my senses, soul, and spirit with You and You alone. How can I continue in this world now that I have tasted You, known You? Your Presence, and Oneness with You is all I seek. Come and fill me with Your Beauty and Your Power, Jesus - Your Power to be dependent upon nothing but the Father for all of your needs, Your Power to be selfless and to love without expecting anything in return, Your Power to be self-forgetful and consumed with Absolute Love for the Father and for the Spirit. Fill me with the power to love you as you deserve, O Christ, my Savior, crucified for me! O come, Holy Spirit, come!!! Do not tarry, but come and fill me with power from on high. O that I may be a witness for Him, who died for me!
