I Remember

I go to the Good Friday service to remember. I want to remember. I want to see The Cross again. Not the sanitized cross, the one without a body hanging on it. I want to see The Cross. I want to kneel there and remember. Remember that this was torture, this was pain, this was sacrifice.

I kneel there and I see Him, the Son of God. This is not the cleaned-up Jesus that is usually depicted hanging on the Cross. No, this is the brutalized and bloodied Jesus, the One who was shredded by the cat-o-nine-tails as He was flogged until He was senseless. This is the exhausted, dehydrated Jesus. The Jesus who was beaten and mocked, who had His beard torn out. This is the Jesus who hangs in agony and torment, covered in blood, sweat, and dirt, surrounded by flies, baking in the hot Israeli sun. I remember. And I cling to that Cross, that cruel instrument of torture, and I let His blood run over me.

I see His twisted body, spread eagle and immobilized by the nails piercing His hands and His feet. I imagine the shame, the humiliation. I hear Him gasping for breath. I try to imagine what it must be like to die agonizingly by asphyxiation, suffocating slowly, unable to expire. I try to imagine what it must feel like to have every nerve ending exposed to wind and sun and sand, as layers of flesh were ripped off by the flogging, leaving every pain receptor bare to the elements.

I see His head, his beautiful, splendid head, now with thorns crammed into the brow. His head - beaten and swollen, unrecognizable. Jesus, You are the Perfect One, The Holy One of God. You alone, of all humanity, never rebelled against the Father. You alone. You alone could be the Lamb of God, the sacrifice for the sins of the world. You did this for me. My sin. I sent you to that hill, I drove in the nails, my sin held You there. I remember.

I hear You cry, “I thirst.” O Jesus, do You thirst for water, or do You thirst for Your Father who has forsaken You? You alone are The Obedient One. You alone always obeyed the Father, and You obeyed Him in death, becoming nothing, and willingly became the sacrifice for the sins of the world. It was Your Love for Him that led You to the Cross. You died so He could spend eternity with us, with me. I remember.

I hear you gasp and cry out, “It is finished.” The Great Tragedy has ended. The sorrow that began in the Garden of Eden is over. Sin has been atoned for. Death is defeated. Satan is vanquished. The fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is replaced by another tree, another Fruit, The Tree of Life. The sin of the first Adam is forgiven because of the sacrifice of the second Adam. I remember.

This is The Cross I want to remember. I do not want a sanitized cross, a cross without a body, a cross without blood and gore and dirt and sweat. I want to remember. I want to remember that this was a sacrifice. A sacrifice. It was suffering, it was horrifying, and -  it was Love.

I need to remember. We need to remember. The Church. We are His Body. Are we willing to suffer and die for the world as Our Savior, as Our Master did? Are we willing to carry our cross and become like Him? I want a Church that remembers. That follows. Not a clean, happy church that just wants to feel good about itself, with nice, neatly organized little Sunday services with songs and messages that make us feel good about ourselves, not a church that wants to stay safe and secure and comfortable, but a Church that is willing to follow Jesus to Golgotha. A Church that is willing to suffer so that the world may know they have Savior, that they have a Father who loves them and wants to be reconciled to them. A Church that remembers that our salvation was bought at a price. That remembers we were ransomed. A Church that remembers that “grace is not cheap (Dietrich Bonhoeffer).” Grace is costly. It cost Jesus His life, it cost the Father His Son. The grace that covers me, that covers you, that gives us eternal life, is not cheap. It is not a trinket. It is a costly gift - a pearl of great price. A treasure hidden in a field. It cost God everything. I want a Church that is willing to give everything, because He gave everything.

I need to remember. I need to see Love hanging on that tree so that I do not become complacent, so that I do not seek out the easy life, the life that is without suffering or pain. I need to remember that following Jesus is about obedience, about love, about sacrifice, about giving away your life for the sake of others. A life of grit, and dirt, and tears, and sweat, and exhaustion, and heartache, of giving yourself away, as He did for us. I need to remember, so that I have the courage to follow and to seek and to ask for the power to die as He did.

O God, I pray, keep me from a complacent life, an easy life. Teach me to love as You loved, to obey as You obeyed, to serve as You served, to become nothing as You became nothing. Give me strength to take up my cross and to follow You and to love those You send to me, to the very end. Save me from my Self, teach me to die so that I may truly live. Revive Your Church. Remind us. Renew us. Sanctify us. Send us.

I remember. May I never forget.

I said “Yes”

As a professor at a Christian college, I have seen many students get engaged and marry soon after they graduated from college. I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen the phrases, “She said ‘Yes’!” or “I said ‘Yes’!” on facebook updates.  This has started me thinking about what it means to say ‘Yes’ to our ultimate spouse, Jesus Christ.

When you say ‘Yes’ in marriage, you are giving up your rights to yourself, and you are no longer solely your own. You now belong to the other. All of your decisions will now be in partnership with your spouse. Where they go, you will go. In trial and in tragedy, in rejoicing and in celebrating, everything will now be done with the other person.

Jesus invites us into this same relationship with Him. He invites us into a relationship of oneness with Him, of knowing Him intimately and of sharing His heart, of going where He will go, of sharing His triumphs and His sorrows. 

I can’t help but wonder sometimes if the American Christian church has somehow missed this. Many I see graduating seem to have bought into the idea that the Christian life means getting married, buying a house in a nice, safe suburb with good schools, having children, working until your 65 and then enjoying retirement.  Their spiritual life is primarily going to church on Sundays, maybe attending a Bible study, and occasionally participating in outreaches, like giving food to the homeless and needy. I wonder: is this the marriage we are supposed to have with Jesus? Is this the” abundant life” that He calls us to? To me, the American ideal seems more like Jesus’ nightmare. He told us, “Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it (Mark 8:35).”  He also said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must DENY themselves and take up their cross and follow me (Mark 8:34).”  Jesus’ dream is that we give our lives completely away for His sake and for the sake of His Good News – an absolute and complete surrender of ourselves to Him. And that surrender includes everything – our family, our friends, our possessions, our safety, our security, and all of our rights.

I want to be a follower of Jesus, who, when I reach eternity, will hear Jesus say with joy, “She said YES!”

I want to be able to say, “I gave everything for Jesus – my plans, my career, my family and friends, my possessions, my dreams , my hopes – all for Jesus.”  In reality, I said “Yes” to Jesus a long time ago, and when I said “Yes,” I gave up all rights to my Self. When I asked Him to be the Lord and Savior of my life, I turned myself over to Him. I later re-confirmed that commitment to Him on several occasions. Most recently, on December 31, 2012, I stood at the Urbana Student Missions conference and said I would commit my life to long-term missions – doing whatever it takes to bring the hope, light, grace, and love of Christ to unreached people.

Making a commitment like this is serious. I often have doubts. Will I be faithful? Do I have it in me to fulfill this commitment? What will my family think? Do I have enough courage? Will I find people to support me? Recently during a time of prayer I was praying about dying to my Self and leaving everything, and God very clearly spoke to my heart, “Jesus had to die to Himself to become man and to become nothing, to die on the Cross for you. He had the power to die and so do you. He had the power to become nothing and so do you.”  The Father has put His Spirit in me, and I have the same power to die as Jesus did. It is Christ living in and through me, it is His power in me that allows me to deny myself and follow Him.  Ultimately, I know that Jesus, living in me, will give me the faith and courage to follow through on this commitment. He has promised to fill me with His Spirit who will guide me, come alongside me, and encourage me. I know I am never alone, and I never will be alone. And, I know He is worth it. He is worth everything.

You never really know the depths of your idolatries until God calls you to something like this. An idol is anything in which we find our value or significance or identity other than Jesus Christ. I have found myself mourning over the loss of so many things – so many idols – my career and job that I love, my friendships, my possessions, my comfort, even silly things like my kayak and trout fishing! But Jesus keeps reminding me of His words to His disciples: “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first (Matthew 19:29-30).”  He keeps speaking to my heart: “I, Jesus, said this. Do you believe Me? Do you trust Me?”  Ultimately, it is all about trust and faith – faith in the One who promises eternal life. However, following Jesus and giving up everything is not about the reward – it is about Him. HE is the reward.  “We follow Jesus FOR Jesus (David Platt).”  Just like in a marriage relationship, you marry the other because you love them and want to be WITH them, not for anything else.  Jesus is the ultimate bridegroom. And, He is worth saying “Yes” to. When He invites us to follow Him, He invites us to be with Him, to live our lives with Him, in oneness with Him and the Father. He is worth giving up all of our dreams, plans, and hopes – because He is Ultimate Reality, He is All, He is Love, and He keeps His promises. HIS dream is worth a billion American dreams, and His dream is that none should perish.

I will follow Him.

I said “Yes!”