No Great Thing

I recently asked my Facebook friends to respond to the question, “What is the best thing you have ever done with your life?”  Only 5 people responded, which surprised me. Do people not think about their lives and what they have done?  I asked the question because I have been pondering a statement made by Mother Teresa: “You can do no great thing, only small things with great love.”  On a recent trip to Kenya, I had the opportunity to do many small things in order to show love to Kenyans, and the trip made me start thinking about the “best” moments of my life.  For me, they really are the moments where I was simply a vessel for God’s Spirit to show love to others. 

The first moment that came to mind was simply sitting on the floor across from a beautiful young Tajik woman and talking to her about Jesus, sharing my story with her and listening to hers. It was no great thing to do this – but it was a moment where Christ was living in and through me (I call these ‘sanctified’ moments). Within a year this young lady was calling Jesus her Savior and Lord, and all I did was eat lunch with her and tell her about Him. No great thing. In my last blog I talked about sharing with Martha, the elderly lady in Alabama, that God loves her and is with her. No great thing.

Last year for my mom’s 83^rd birthday I bought her something she always wanted but which I had vowed I would never buy – a gazing ball for her garden.  Yes, I have a very strong aversion to lawn ornaments, especially gazing balls! But, the Lord spoke to my heart and reminded me that it’s not about me, and that this would be a tangible way to show my mom how much I really loved her. Hence, I bought her the biggest bright red gazing ball I could find.  Mom loved it and put it in her flower bed.  Hopefully every time she looked at it she remembered how much I loved her. I lost my mom on April 15^th, and I am so thankful I listened to the prompting of the Spirit and bought her what she wanted before she passed away.  No great thing.

In Kenya I had the chance to hold a couple of sick little girls at different times for a short amount of time – all they wanted was to be held, and perhaps, too, they were longing to be loved, to know that someone cared. I should mention that one had a damaged eye and the other peed all over my leg and had a lot of snot running down her face (all who know me know that I am pretty squeamish when it comes to such things), but I knew they just needed some comfort and compassion, and so I held them.  As I held them and prayed over them, I began to cry – and it seemed as though Jesus was weeping through me – for them, for Africa, for all those living in poverty, for all those suffering from treatable illnesses, for all those who will go to bed hungry tonight, for all the orphans without mother or father to hold them and love them.  No great thing.

So, the best moments for me – the “great” things – really have been small things done with great love – and not even my love, but Christ’s love through me. So, perhaps the only way to be truly great is to become nothing – to become an empty vessel for the Holy Spirit to fill and to pour out. Is this not what we were meant to be? Made in God’s image? Isn’t that the point of our redemption – to be like Christ and to be sanctified, allowing His Presence to live in and through us?  Truly, the moments when God shows up and lives through me are the only holy moments of my life. How I hope and pray for more of them!

How different this view is from the world’s!  When asked “What is the best thing you have ever done with your life?”  I am sure many would have expected me to say “Earned my PhD,” or “Received tenure,” or “Published scientific papers,” or “Traveled abroad,” or any number of other “accomplishments.”  But really, those things pale into insignificance in comparison to those moments when Jesus lives through me.  Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  I am learning that the only way to be great, to do anything of consequence, is to simply abide in Him moment-to-moment, becoming nothing so that He is All.  All of my own trying or striving to be great, to make a name for myself, means nothing and will not bear fruit that lasts. 

May I live my life in reckless abandonment to the One Who Became Nothing (Phil. 2:7) so that He may live in me and love others greatly through me. Truly His Presence living in us is the only way to holiness.

“You can do no great thing, only small things with great love.”

The Least of These

The least of these.

Have you ever felt unwanted?  Have you ever been the last one chosen for a team?  Have you ever felt like you were incompetent and worthless?  I can honestly say I have felt all these things in the last few weeks.  It really started out from feeling unwanted to participate in an activity planned by others, but it ended with me feeling incompetent yet grateful for my incompetency.  I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. 

Over spring break I had the opportunity to travel to Birmingham, Alabama with a team of students to help with tornado relief.  There God turned upside down (actually right side up) my understanding of what it means to build the Kingdom of God and what it means to be a leader in the Kingdom.  These students were not the “elite.” We were not the most intelligent, the most gifted, the most knowledgeable, the most equipped team in the world.  Most of us had never done any kind of construction work before. ( I honestly confess that I usually do not volunteer for “service” mission trips because I feel so inadequate and useless.)  However, I learned through this trip that these are EXACTLY the kind of leaders that God is looking for to build His Kingdom.  Why?  Because in order to succeed in our mission, we needed complete dependence on God. We couldn’t rely on our abilities or skills, but simply had to trust him. 

At one point in the trip I had the opportunity to talk to an elderly lady named Martha.  It was while we were tearing off and replacing a roof on a house.  I was feeling pretty useless and inadequate regarding construction (primarily because I did not feel safe on the roof of the house), so I started talking to Martha.  Martha shared with me how she lost her home to the tornado and was now living with her daughter and son-in-law.  As she spoke through her tears, it was easy to discern that she felt unloved, unwanted, and overlooked.  It broke my heart, and I encouraged her and promised her I would pray for her – I told her she was not alone, that Jesus loved her and would not leave her, and that now she has a sister in Indiana praying for her, too.  I was the one in tears before we finished talking. One of the reasons I started to cry was because I realized Martha was “one of the least of these” that Jesus talks about in Matthew 25: “Whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for me.”  It was the most sanctified moment of my life – I knew it was all Jesus living in me and through me and reaching out to this lonely widow, it was not me at all.  This experience gave me a greater understanding and desire to be more aware of those around me who may be one of the least of these.

After the trip I realized I needed healing from lies that I believed about God, myself, and the world, and so I did some theophostic prayer ministry on myself.  God took me back to a memory I had as a child of wanting to play kickball with a group of kids from my school. It was obvious they did not want me to play with them, and they were mean to me.  I realized that in this situation I believed the lies that I was unwanted and worthless and overlooked, despite my abilities and skills (yes, I was pretty good at kickball J).  I asked Jesus to show me the truth about these beliefs.  What he showed me rocked my world and completely changed my point of view.  I had a vision of Jesus taking me to the side and saying, “I want you on my team, but you must understand that my team is not made up of the best, the elite. If this was a baseball team, my team would be made up of the slowest runners, the weakest hitters, the worst fielders.  I would have the slowest runner be my lead-off man.  My weakest hitter would bat clean-up. The worst fielder would be the short-stop. The one with the worst aim would be the pitcher.  My team is made up of the outcasts, the misfits, the incompetent, the least of these.  And it is through the least of these that I build my Kingdom.  Why?  Because they are God-dependent. They know they have no chance of success unless I do the work in and through them.  God receives the glory, and they rejoice with me.  The world’s view success is backwards...it is not the powerful, popular, and successful that I am looking for to build my Kingdom, but the least of these.  They also know that the game is not really a competition – it is not about winning.  It is a chance to be together, to enjoy one another, to build relationships.  It is the same way in my church.  It is not about winning, but about loving one another and rejoicing together. I am not looking for the best and the brightest, but the weakest and the humblest…the least of these. Come, join my team.”

This encounter with Jesus radically changed me and opened up my heart to what it means to really follow Him - to serve widows, orphans, the poor, the sick - even when you feel incompetent and useless. In God’s Kingdom, that feeling of uselessness and incompetency is really the best place to be, for it is the place where Jesus finds us and asks us to be on His team.  He reveals that it is not so much about ability or doing, but about dependency on Him and being in relationship with Him.

I have thought a lot about this as a professor in the sciences. We are always on the lookout for the best and the brightest students – the ones with the “most potential.”  Which ones will go to med school or have the ability to conduct research ? Which ones will build the Kingdom of God in the sciences? But I have to wonder, who would Jesus pour into if He was a science professor in the 21^st century? Maybe He would choose the ones that struggle with calculus or the ones who can’t seem to get acid/base chemistry.

My perspective has definitely changed.  It is not the elite, the chosen, the best who build the Kingdom, but rather those who know they are nothing without God – the ones who do not depend on themselves and their abilities and skills, but the ones who depend on God to work in and through them.  It is the poor, the weak, the unskilled, the broken that Jesus chooses for His team, and through them, He changes the world -  one cup of cold water at a time, one conversation at a time, one nail at a time. And we learn it’s not a competition or a race to be successful, but an opportunity to be with Jesus and to see Him perform miracles. And we rejoice together.

"Ollie, Ollie in Free!"

On February 16, 2011 Bethel College experienced a revival - the Spirit of God touched hearts and began a transforming work in many lives. During the beginning of the revival, Dr. Lowry Mallory stood up and raised his hands and began to shout, "Repent, repent!" Some students did not respond well to this, but Dr. Mallory was correct - "Repent" means to turn around and walk in a new direction, and that is exactly what many needed to do. However, I am not convinced this was the best way to call people to repentance. Why? Because this word is misunderstood by so many. When people hear this word, they envision John the Baptist dressed in camel's hair pointing his finger at the Pharisees, or they envision fire and brimstone raining down from heaven. They feel condemned, hated, and judged. I am now on a mission to change people's view of this word.

I would like people to begin thinking of this word as an invitation. When Jesus preached his first sermon it was, "Repent, and believe the good news, for the Kingdom of God has come near." Thus, repentance is GOOD news! Jesus was essentially inviting people to a new kind of life - a life under His reign. It's like He was saying, "Turn from the way you are going - turn and come walk the way I am going. Take My hand and let Me lead you, let Me guide you through life. Come live the life you were always meant to live! Come become the person you were always meant to be! Come and learn from Me - I am GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart. My yoke is EASY. Seriously, this is the BEST way to live. In fact, I am the Light of the World, and My light is LIFE! Come and become like Me - be transformed into My Image and live an abundant, joyful life of freedom." This is repentance - an invitation to live life WITH God.

Jesus invites us to repent and be saved. The Hebrew word for 'salvation' is yesa - and it means "a broad and spacious place where there are no restrictions." God invites us to a life of freedom - not a life of constraints and fear brought on by our sin and rebellion, but a life of joyful, reckless, Spirit-filled abandonment. When I think of this kind of life, I am reminded of playing "kick the can" with my brothers on hot summer nights. Everyone would go hide except the one who was it. We'd hide in the bushes, afraid to come out, sweating in the stifling heat, swatting mosquitoes, and somewhat afraid of the coming darkness, and then when we could take our confinement no longer we'd burst out of our small and narrow space and run like mad for the can in complete reckless abandonment. You know that kind of running, every child has done it: all out, intent on one thing only - getting there first, winning the prize - and you forget you are voluntarily moving your legs and pumping your arms. All inhibitions are cast aside. You run so fast you almost trip over yourself, your body not keeping up with your heart and your head. When you reach the can you kick it with all your might, laughing for joy that you are now free, shouting, "Ollie, ollie in free!" That's what repentance and salvation is like - living life in this joyful, laughter-filled, hopeful, whole-hearted reckless abandonment to God, running towards Him and with Him with all that we have within us. It is so GOOD! It is FREEDOM!

God describes Himself as good, holy, love, light, and truth. He is 100% NOT evil. "All of His paths are loving and true for those who keep the demands of His covenant (Psalm 25:10)." He is ALWAYS good and all of His plans are good; He cannot be evil. Being 'good' does not mean He is just a 'nice guy,' a 'Jesus Buddy,' if you will. NO! It means He is not evil, He is holy, He is perfect. Thus, God always wants what is BEST and good for us. He is FOR us, not against us. He promises, "I will be with you ALWAYS, to the very end of the age." Why would we not want to turn and live with Him - with this Holy God who IS good, love, light, and truth? My sincere hope is that the word "repent" will take on a whole new meaning - as an invitation to turn and live life with God, following His guidance and trusting Him. He is All, and He is faithful.

Repent! You will never regret turning from your own way and choosing to go God's way and living life with Him. He has invited us. He wants us to want Him. Do we? I pray you'll run to Him with the same reckless abandonment as a child running for the prize.

Hidden Prayer

Hey everyone, I wanted to share with you a note I sent to some colleagues on Sept. 10, 2010. This came after I had my immersion experience with the Holy Spirit and later I started to pray "in secret." I write this to encourage everyone who has been part of the revival to seek God in solitude and silence - Our Father wants us to meet Him in secret, where He will reward us. I have found the reward is Himself, and He is so good, more than any of us can imagine. My prayer for our campus is that we would be more excited about seeking God than about talking about revival. He wants us to want HIM!  He is so GOOD! All for His Glory!  

I've been thinking about the transformation the Spirit has been working in my life since I began praying in secret. I thought I would give you a short update on the experience, if for nothing more than documentation of the Holy Spirit's power and goodness. Perhaps it may encourage you as well - and it gives me much joy to share this with you:

The more I pray in secret and seek His face, the more I simply desire to be with Him and Him alone. I have no strivings or desires other than to be with Him. He is so beautiful and good. He is sweet, and perfect, and true, and wonderful. All else fades compared to His majesty and beauty. Nothing compares to Him. I have no desire for success, no desire to be heard, or seen, or known - simply no ambition to be anything other than in His will and in His manifest Presence. I simply have no need for any of those other things anymore, for I have Him, and His grace is sufficient. I find myself turning to Him almost moment-to-moment throughout the day, desiring His Presence only, not with requests or for intercession, but simply to be in His Presence, to be with Him and to enjoy Him in joy and fellowship and love.

Today I was reading John 10:14-15: "I am the Good Shepherd; and I know My own, and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father." (NASB). Isn't that beautiful? We are His own, and we know Him with the same 'knowing' that He has with the Father. Why desire anything but Him? So good.

Nothing now causes me wild alarm. Students, faculty, staff, and family come to me with their concerns and drama, and in some ways it amuses me...it's almost like it confuses me..it all seems so small and trivial compared to knowing Him, and it's like I can't seem to understand why there would ever be worry or cause for alarm or gossip or the like. (Another professor was expressing some concerns/ideas to me today, and it was like all I could hear was "blah, blah, blah, blah"). It's really a strange and a new experience for me. He is Shalom Shalom - Perfect Peace. In Him there is no fear, for perfect love drives out fear. I have never known this kind of bliss before - what a small taste of what heaven certainly shall be like - to be present with Him. What a joy divine.

It's the peace - the shalom - that has surprised me. (Maybe I should write a book like CS Lewis and NT Wright - "Surprised by Shalom" - haha). What would our world be like if all Christians rejected Satan's lies and truly believed God's Word - that He is Love, He is Good, He is Just, He is Truth, He is Faithful? So few, it seems, really truly believe these truths deep in their hearts...what a grief it must be to our Father for so many not to truly trust Him, to not believe that He always and only wants what is good and best for them.

Anyway, that's where praying in secret has led me. Very awesome. Jesus really knew what He was talking about when He told us to pray this way. The Father DOES reward us, beyond anything we can imagine! :D

Esther - A Model for Intercessory Prayer

This is what I shared in our Prayer Chapel on January 14, 2011.

These Scriptures are from the Book of Esther

Chapter 5

1Now it came about on the third day that Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the king's palace in front of the king's rooms, and the king was sitting on his royal throne in the throne room, opposite the entrance to the palace.

2When the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, she obtained favor in his sight; and the king extended to Esther the golden scepter which was in his hand. So Esther came near and touched the top of the scepter.

Chapter 7

2And the king said to Esther on the second day also as they drank their wine at the banquet, "What is your petition, Queen Esther? It shall be granted you And what is your request? Even to half of the kingdom it shall be done."

 3Then Queen Esther replied, "If I have found favor in your sight, O king, and if it pleases the king, let my life be given me as my petition, and my people as my request;

 4for we have been sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be killed and to be annihilated.

Chapter 8

3Then Esther spoke again to the king, fell at his feet, wept and implored him to avert the evil scheme of Haman the Agagite and his plot which he had devised against the Jews. 4The king extended the golden scepter to Esther. So Esther arose and stood before the king.  5Then she said, “If it pleases the king and if I have found favor before him and the matter seems proper to the king and I am pleasing in his sight, let it be written to revoke the letters devised by Haman, the son of Hammedatha the Agagite, which he wrote to destroy the Jews who are in all the king's provinces. 6"For how can I endure to see the calamity which will befall my people, and how can I endure to see the destruction of my kindred?"

Commentary

Esther is a portrait of an intercessor. In ancient times, “to intercede” meant to petition the King on the behalf of others. Intercessors are not prayer warriors. Prayer warriors ride into battle with blazing eyes and swords held high, ready to route the Enemy.  Intercessors, on the other hand, put on their royal robes – they clothe themselves with Christ, and they boldly approach the King – the King who is also their Father.  They throw themselves at his feet and lay their head upon his chest and listen to his heartbeat.  From that place of divine communion, they pray the Heart of the Father into the world – His Heart that IS Love.  They know they do not deserve this honor. It is only the favor of the King – it is grace – that allows them to plead their case before Him.  They also know they are not alone, for their Great High Priest, Jesus, is kneeling beside His Beloved Bride, also interceding: “Father, how can I bear it if my people perish? How can I endure the destruction of my kindred?” From that place of communion, intercessors pray the Love of God into our wounded world through the Holy Spirit.  Intercessors are, as Mother Teresa would say, “Contemplatives at the heart of the world.”  Intercession is a Trinitarian response to the brokenness, sin, and darkness we see around us.  The Father, Son, and Spirit – Prophet, Priest, and King – in divine communion, share their heart with the intercessor who acts as an intersection point between heaven and earth, allowing the Holy Spirit to breathe life, healing, and shalom to a world desperately in need of hope.

Prayer of Intercession

O Great Father, King Divine, Grant us, we beseech Thee, Your Divine Favor.  We live in a lost and broken world, that is marked for destruction and annihilation.  How can we bear it, if our people perish?  O Great Father, pour out Your Love and Life upon us. Send your Spirit to renew, to restore, and to awaken Your People.  Please empower us by Your Spirit to preach Good News to the poor.  Heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. Set the captives free – set free those who are imprisoned by sin and by lies – by lies of Satan, by lies of the world. Set us free by your Truth. In Your Light, we see Light. Open blind eyes, shine into their darkness and reveal yourself to them as the One Who is ALL – All they need for life, for joy, for hope, and for healing. 

Father, our world is so dark and at times we want to shield our eyes from the wounds that surround us. Please send healing in your wings, and open our eyes to see as you see, to love as you love, to forgive as you forgive, to bless as you bless. Please transform us to be like Jesus.

God, we long for your Presence. Please – please – show us your Glory. Let all of your Goodness pass in front of us. We want to be aware of Your manifest Presence surrounding us. We want to be aware of Your Holiness, Your Power, and Your Goodness. O God, it is your kindness – your kindness - that leads us to repentance. Pour out Your Kindness upon us.  Forgive our iniquity and our transgressions, and, if we have found favor in your sight, take us as Thine Own – as Thine Own -Possession.

Please, O King, we beseech Thee – we beseech Thee… for You – humble us, Adonai, as we seek Your Face. We ask, please, pour out Your Spirit upon us. Open our eyes to see You as You really are and to see ourselves as You see us. We beseech Thee, as we kneel and pray with Your Beloved Son, Our Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Amen.

The Glory of God or our glory?

This is from the Lord. You may forward and share this with anyone you want.

The word of the Lord came to me, "Go back to 1 Samuel as I showed you last spring:

"The Glory has departed." 1 Sam 4:22

"Then Samuel spoke to all the house of Israel, saying, 'If you return to the Lord with all your heart, then PUT AWAY the foreign gods and the ashtoreths from among you, and PREPARE YOUR HEARTS TO SERVE HIM ONLY, and He will deliver you from the hands of the Philistines.' So the children of Israel put away the ba'als and ashtoreths and served the LORD ONLY." 1 Sam 7:3-4"

Questions:

1) Why did the Glory depart?

The Israelites used the Ark of God like a good luck charm, and they tried to control their future with their own reasoning and strength. We also use God. We pray as a last resort, NOT as a FIRST priority. We also rely upon our own intellect, skills, and abilities rather than on God. The Israelites did not TRUST God. Do we? When we get honest with ourselves, do we trust God to be ALL to us?

2) What do the ba'als and ashtoreths represent in our day?

'Ba'al' means 'possessor,' and 'husband,' and was the fertility god of the Canaanites. Ashtoreth was the 'mother of the gods,' and Ba'al's consort. Thus, poles to her were set up near Ba'al's altars. The Israelites were relying upon these detestable idols to 'provide' for them. In our age, this may be likened to the 'gods of productivity and success.' What do we worship? Intellect, reason, knowledge, skills, money - why? We want to be successful, and to be successful, we must be productive. We rely upon our knowledge, skills, abilities, money, programs, and campaigns - in other words - our Selves, not God. Just as the ashtoreths were set up near Ba'al's altars, we establish our own shrines to our Selves - power, prestige, and acclaim. We steal God's Glory and miss His Glory for our own small monuments to our Selves.

We need a passionate and fervent desire to see GOD'S GLORY restored at Bethel. HE IS ALL.

It is all about God's Glory being restored in US. We are the Tabernacles of the Holy Spirit - intersection points between heaven and earth. We are supposed to meet God face-to-face in us and have His likeness - His Glory - restored in us. This is ONLY accomplished by the Holy Spirit. We need to pray His Spirit would be poured out on us for our sanctification - to be made holy, set apart Tabernacles where people see God's Glory and meet Him there. 

We should no longer pray as Moses did, "Please, show me Your Glory," but rather, "Please FILL me WITH Your Glory."

The Glory of God is seen in the Face of Christ Jesus - Christ who died upon the Cross, and Christ who rose triumphantly from the dead.  When we cease to focus on the Cross of Christ and His Resurrection we slide back into a 'works' mentality - into reliance upon our Selves rather than reliance upon God's Grace Alone. We forget the Lord ("And - you have forgotten Me." Ezekiel 22:12). 

The Ministry of Christ and of His Spirit is God's Glory being restored to all the earth. Like Paul, we must preach Christ crucified and risen from the dead - just as on the day of Pentecost. Our value, worth, and identity as His Own Possession - as His People - MUST be found in God's GRACE ALONE, as demonstrated on the Cross: "For God shows His Love for us in this: while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)."

I am praying for an outpouring of God's Spirit, that we may be filled with His Glory, all the Fullness of Christ.  "The secret is this: Christ in you, the hope of Glory (Col 1:27).". Holiness is not the absence of sin, it is the manifest Presence of God in a redeemed person's life, filling them with Christ's Glory.

I am praying God's people would fervently desire an outpouring of His Spirit. We - God's people - His Own Possession - are the plan - His plan - for spreading His Glory throughout all the earth.

"Come, Holy Spirit, we invite you to come and revive Your people, filling us with Your Glory, and to come and awaken the dead."

Lies, Truth, and Freedom.

God has been doing a great work in my heart recently, and I want to share with all of you how He has been healing me through Theophostic Prayer Ministry. If you have never heard of TPM, then I will give you a short summary of the process.  The word “theophostic” is translated “God’s Light.”  When we have negative emotions that rise to the surface, this is an indication that we believe a lie about ourselves, about others, or about God.  In TPM, you are encouraged to allow the negative emotion to be “the bridge back to the belief.”  Typically, lies are planted in us as children when bad things happen to us or are said to us.  The emotion takes us back to the memory of the negative event. As we explore the memory, we try to determine the lie we believe. Some common lies I have encountered in my own life include, “You are worthless and defective; You are all alone; There is no one to defend you.”  Once we identify the lie, we ask Jesus into the memory and to show us His Truth concerning our belief. When Jesus shines His light and reveals truth, the darkness has to flee, and the lie is destroyed by His Truth. This brings healing and wholeness.  Every negative emotion potentially has a lie associated with it, and we need to “take an account” of each one to be free.

Below are some visions and images that Jesus has used to set me free from some lies I have believed. I am not sharing the memories that led to believing these lies, as I have forgiven all those who have hurt me, and I do not wish to incriminate them. My hope in sharing this is that others will seek the healing and freedom that comes from allowing Jesus to reveal his Truth to us. The memories are often painful and hard to remember, but by “embracing the pain” we can actually be set free from it.  God is Good, and He wants us whole and healed; He wants us to know His shalom shalom – perfect peace.

“Root of Oppression”

Prayer to Jesus:

 Jesus, please come heal my heart from these ugly lies I have carried my whole life - "It's my fault if things go bad; I have to keep people happy; I have to prove I am good; it's my responsibility to redeem my family, to make them happy and safe. I have to be in control."

Jesus speaking to me:

No! I am on control! These are all lies. You are not me! These things are not your responsibility! You are not god. Let go and let me be in control. I AM Healer! I AM Redeemer! I AM King! I AM!

I have a flashback to my childhood: I am lying in bed and crying next to the window, listening to the train go by about 2 miles away. I remember praying and begging Jesus to help me. Jesus enters my room, sits down on the bed and lifts me into his arms. He wraps his cloak around me, and I weep into his chest as a little girl. He tells me he is there and he is with me, will always be with me. The responsibility is his, not mine. He is in control, not me. He tells me one day my heart will be healed of all the lies that have been planted. These lies took root in me and became a nasty, invasive, thorny bush with entwining vines on my heart. Jesus holds me and tears stream down his face as he weeps over my lost and broken childhood. He whispers, “This was never meant to be.”
There is a flash and I am in the throne room of God. An image of my 'heart' is lying on the floor with this ugly thorny, vine-like bush growing from it. Jesus is standing over it. It is the lie that I am to blame, that I am responsible for other people’s choices and feelings. He asks, "Do you want me to remove it? It will hurt and in the soil there will be a gaping wound, but I will fill it with new seeds - of hope, love, joy, peace, laughter, freedom, goodness and more, and I will water those seeds with my tears." Breathless, I whisper, "Yes, Lord." Jesus quickly snatches the bush and all of its roots out of my heart. I am wrenched and set free. I see the bush in Jesus' hand and it dissolves and blows away. I see light shining through the scar in his hand. He runs to the throne of God and scoops into his hands hundreds – thousands - of seeds that look like grains of wheat. He runs back to my heart, tears streaming from his eyes and pours the seeds into my heart. And his tears water them. My heart is healed and seeds immediately begin to sprout. Jesus looks downs and smiles. Suddenly I am lying there in front of Him. He offers me his hand and raises me to my feet.  He says, "You are longer Forsaken or Desolate. You are Hephzibah and Beulah - My Delight is in You and your land has been Married." He turns and fiercely declares, "Satan, you will no longer torment this Beloved Child of Mine with these lies."

I flash back to the scene in my childhood bedroom. Jesus, still weeping, holds me and looks down and says, "One day you will know your life is pure grace and you will be free, and I will give you back the years the locust have eaten. You will be a fragrant garden of choice fruits. Your fragrance and fruit will draw many to Me, for I will dwell in your garden. You will be a garden of delight for many and my light will touch the nations through you. My water will be a cleansing stream of refreshment for many. I have done this. I AM has done this. I Am Who I Am, and You are My Beloved, You Are My Own, and I am Jealous for You."

I flash back to throne room of God: Jesus and I are glorified, and He dances with me to the song "How He Loves Us." Us. We turn and invite others to join us - and thousands of others - who are also glorified, and we ALL dance with Him.

“Enough.”

I have an image of myself as a child locked in the dungeon of a tower.  I hear Jesus say, "Enough!"

The Tower explodes from the inside out.

I am in the dungeon - a little girl - in chains. Jesus comes and sets me free, picks me up, holds me against his chest, and tells me I am not guilty - I am not to blame - it is not my fault - there is NO SHAME -I am free - it is not my responsibility. He says He will give me back the years the locusts have eaten. This is a very gentle and tender moment - a little girl with her True Father whispering truth into her ear as she sobs against his shoulder

Jesus whispers, “I want to take you to a wide and spacious place where there are no restrictions - beside quiet waters, where the grass is green, the sun is warm, and you are free to run, free to be a child again, with no societal or cultural rules, just freedom to be who you were meant to be. The landscape of your soul is becoming a lush garden, filled with joy, hope, freedom, and beauty, where there is no guilt, no shame, no anguish.”

He carries me up and out of the dungeon and before me is a broad and spacious plain, beautiful to behold. I turn to look at Him, and I see the nail scars in his hands and the thorn scars on his brow - and I bow my head and whisper “Thank you.” He leans his forehead against my forehead, we are face to face, and we share a moment of knowing - a moment of love and grace too deep for words. Grace. All Grace. I once was lost, but now I am found. I once was blind, but now I see. His grace delivered me, and all my fears relieved. He has triumphed over my Enemy. I once was a victim, but now, Christ has won my victory.

“Grace Alone”

Lies: “People who are more defective than me are condemning and judging me; I must defend myself.”

Jesus: The people you have been condemning are my Beloved, too. They, too, are justified and glorified. They are forgiven. My blood covers them. They, too, have infinite value and worth. You need to confess your pride and self-righteousness and lack of love. You have been keeping a record of wrongs. Confess and repent, and forgive those who hurt you.

I have an image of meeting a woman from my childhood who hurt me very deeply, for whom I have held hatred in my heart for almost 30 years, in heaven.  We meet, and we look exactly alike – we are glorified and we are shining like stars. As we meet we hold hands and have a moment of understanding:  “In His Light We See Light.” We both realize that we are both there only by God’s grace and goodness - and everything that happened on earth is insignificant and irrelevant in this place.  Here, we all belong, we are all loved, no one has to prove himself or herself, we are all the favorite, there is no competition to be right or to be the best.  We are all brothers and sisters living in the light of God's Perfect Love. There is no fear, anguish, or regret, and all grudges and pain are forgotten in the light of the knowledge that we are His, and we are here by His grace and favor alone (my fear and need to prove myself vanish like mist, my self-righteousness and pride are shattered and dissolve like snow). We are all Sons of God and we are all Brides of Christ - no male, no female, no slave, no free, no black, no white, no married, no single. In His Kingdom, we are ALL His. And that is enough.