He is All.

I am beginning to learn that living where "the air is thin" is painful and difficult at times. At times it is hard to breathe or even move as I am in the Presence of the Holy Spirit.  All I want to do is to fall face down and worship Him.  My spirit longs for Him, to have communion with Him alone.  I feel as though I am living on the cusp between 2 worlds: heaven, where God is obeyed, where there is Truth, Love, Justice, and Goodness, and this world - this world filled with selfishness, greed, rudeness, and pride, and the lies and deceit of Satan, this world that does not believe in God's Truth, His Love, His Goodness, His Grace, that does not know that God is FOR them and only wants what is GOOD and BEST for them.

I want to walk around and tell everyone I meet about God's goodness and His glory, about His trustworthiness and Love.  Sometimes I want to shout at people, "Lies! Lies!  You are believing lies about God, about Who He Really Is.  He is All.  He is all you need for Life.  He is ALL you need - let Him tell you your worth, value, significance, and let Him give you your identity. Only He is perfect and true and knows you as you really are - and He LOVES you!  He proved His love for you by dying on the Cross for you - His wounds declare, 'THIS is how much I love you!' 

It is hard, living where the air is thin, when you have known the Lord and His ways and have trusted Him, and still must continue to live in this world that does not know, that does not believe. Maybe this is why Enoch was allowed to simply vanish. Maybe living in both worlds became too much for Him, and God took Him away so He would know rest and peace.

I began longing for life where the air is thin after I encountered the Holy Spirit in a powerful way this past summer.  On August 16th I prayed, "You are Holy, majestic, and mighty, and in Your Presence who can stand? But I want to be near You - so it is worth the risk. I may be consumed, but just one glimpse of your glory would be worth it all, O my beautiful God and King. Please come, please come and manifest Yourself to me."  Adonai was kind enough to answer this prayer of my heart. On August 22nd I experienced the Spirit in a way I have never experienced before:

"All else fades in the Beauty of His Holiness.  Surely only in Him is there any real meaning or reality.  I felt as though I was being immersed and drawn into His Beauty - His Holiness - His Boundless Love - and His "Oneness."  I felt as though I could stay there forever, simply living in His embrace, and it seemed that resting in Him was the only True Reality, worth everything to find and to keep - for the rest of my life I think I will do anything to experience Him like this again. I weep as I long to be with Him in this way, "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee."  I desired only to be completely emptied of my Self so that He could fill me completely, and I could stay in His Oneness forever, and now I am conscious of each moment and watchful that I do nothing to grieve Him. I want my selfish, self-centered, protective, defensive, and fearful false self to die completely so I may be one with Him."

This was my prayer, and continues to be my prayer as I live where the air is thin: I want Him to be All:

"Holy Spirit, You are here.  You are drawing me into the Father, and I desire nothing more than You and Your manifest Presence.  You are Beauty.  You are Love.  Consume me, O God.  Burn away all of my iniquity and fill me with Yourself.  I pray for and seek only Oneness with You.  You are ALL.  You are One, and You invite me to join You in Your perichoresis, your Great Dance of Self-giving Love, Your Dance of One-ness. How may I join this dance if there is selfishness in me?  O Good God, my Holy Spirit, Flame of Truth and Power, destroy the false selves in me. Destroy the strongholds of self that are jealous, envious, protective, self-seeking, unkind, rude, prideful, arrogant, slanderous, and mostly, religious. I am holy only because of Your Presence within me. You alone are Holy.  I confess I have been a Pharisee all of my Christian life. I have worn my spirituality like a piece of jewelry or a fine garment to be seen by others.  I have dishonored You and used You, my Savior, God, and Spirit.  I am an unworthy vessel, I am nothing but an ugly jar of clay without You. Forgive me for my pride, my selfishness, and for seeking my worth and identity from the world, and from the church, rather than from You. You are the God Who Knows My Name.  I pray now for emptiness, for poverty of Spirit.  Let me be as nothing, so that You may fill me and be All.  O Good Spirit of the Living God, conform me to the Image of Christ. May the attitudes of my heart, mind, soul, and strength be the same as that of Christ Jesus - who considered Himself nothing, and became a slave, dying on a Cross like a criminal, for me.  How I do not deserve your grace, your mercy, your kindness!  

O Flame of Love, burn away all my sin and selfishness and pride in the crucible of Your Holiness.  Draw me into You and give me Oneness with You.  I have tasted You, and You are Good.  There is no evil in You. There is nothing on earth I desire besides You!  Do not leave me, o please stay.  Fill all of my senses, soul, and spirit with You and You alone. How can I continue in this world now that I have tasted You, known You? Your Presence, and Oneness with You is all I seek.  Come and fill me with Your Beauty and Your Power, Jesus - Your Power to be dependent upon nothing but the Father for all of your needs, Your Power to be selfless and to love without expecting anything in return, Your Power to be self-forgetful and consumed with Absolute Love for the Father and for the Spirit. Fill me with the power to love you as you deserve, O Christ, my Savior, crucified for me!  O come, Holy Spirit, come!!!  Do not tarry, but come and fill me with power from on high. O that I may be a witness for Him, who died for me!

I desire oneness with You, O God!  Not because I want fame or power or to be great or to be known, now I want oneness with You for You.  For You.  You are so beautiful and sweet. You are so good, so perfect. You are Love. You have shown me Your Glory, and Your Glory is Your Goodness - your love, your perfection. I want oneness with You more than anything else.  All my vain and selfish ambition, all my self's weary liberties I cast at your feet.  I want only oneness with You.  O Spirit, please keep me attentive to Your Presence, to Your voice.  I do not want for one second to grieve You or cause You to flee from me.  I do not want to even think an unkind or mean thought about another, rather I would seek to love them and pray for them. Help me not to be easily offended, but to disregard my Self and to love only, knowing that You are in control, You are Sovereign, and I am safe, secure in Your Love and in Your Protection. O Yahweh, Adonai, You are All to me.  You are All."

Radical Discipleship = Everyday Discipleship

This morning I was greatly struck by the devotional for today from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest. Here is a partial quote:

“We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises—human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.”

As someone who once dreamed of being a missionary, this really hits home for me.  It is so easy to want to do the “big thing,” the “heroic deed” for God, but oh how hard it can be to do the ordinary, little things for God!  Bethel just started a new chapel series titled, “Radical Discipleship,” with the first one being on “sacrifice.”  I have to wonder, though, perhaps it is not the big sacrifices that the world and the church notice that are important to God, but rather, maybe it is the small little sacrifices of everyday life that get God’s attention and please Him the most.  I think of another Oswald Chambers’ quote:  “Prayer does not fit us for the greater works, prayer is the greater work.”  I know the women who work in housekeeping here at Bethel are great intercessors in prayer for students. No one sees them or knows how they pray as they work, but they are bringing glory to God and magnifying His Presence on our campus by their little acts of service in a way that a great evangelist, preacher, or professor may never do.  Mother Theresa also is well-known for saying, “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”  Amy Carmichael, who dedicated her life to rescuing Indian children from Temple prostitution, saw the little, everyday acts, as being as much, if not more, significant than the rescue work.  Every opportunity to serve, to give, to put others first, no matter how small, was seen by her as “a chance to die.”  She put together a wonderful little collection of sayings about Calvary Love.  Here is one, “If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.”  Yes, perhaps the radical disciples are not those who do the “great deeds” but those who choose to die every day on the little things of life.

As I think of our Bethel community, and ask the questions, “How can I love like Jesus today? How can I be a radical disciple today?” These things come to mind for me as a professor: maybe I can delay my lecture in order to pray with students who have requests instead of being so concerned with covering all the content;  maybe I can take the time to listen to a student who is not as strong academically as others and to spend extra time with them; maybe another professor will come to mind and I will take the time to walk down to their office (or across campus) to encourage and perhaps pray with them rather than being so concerned with my “deadlines”; maybe when walking across campus I will see a piece of litter and bend over and pick it up rather than ignoring it or thinking, “that’s not my job;” maybe it means sitting in the cold rain to watch a soccer game so my students know I love and value them; maybe it's choosing to give up one hour of my week to mentor a student.  For students, maybe this means washing your roommates’ dishes rather than getting mad about them not being done, or perhaps it means getting out of bed in time to go to your 8am class (loving God with all your mind), or giving 100% effort to your course work rather than just sliding by out of respect for your professor and their preparation.  All of these are chances to die – to die to my rights, to my reputation, to my own agenda.  Is this heroic? Is this great? Is this radical? No, but it is discipleship.

I think of my friend Brent Reimer, who serves as Team Leader for Bethel’s semester abroad trips.  Yesterday in chapel he spoke of how God has called him to ministry and to encouraging and equipping students on overseas trips.  He is a radical disciple because he has chosen to listen to the Lord and to follow him anywhere.  However, I have served on travel trips with Brent, and to me he is a hero not because he has chosen to obey God in his calling, but because he loves in the little things.  He goes out of his way to serve his students and meet their needs, whether that means giving up sleep in order to fix a generator, or if it means being awakened at midnight to encourage a student who is stressed about coursework, or if it means going out of his way to fix a favorite meal for one of the students who misses home.  He puts the students’ needs before his own, and this is radical discipleship. 

When I was conducting graduate work I often had to live with 10-20 people at a time in small quarters while conducting field research.  In one of these instances, I had to work with a person who was not easy to get along with.  She was unkind, rude, and selfish.  The others started to resent her and be annoyed by her, and I found myself, too, wanting to despise her.  But one day the Lord spoke to my heart concerning her, “Katie, you do not get to choose who to love, you are simply called to love.”  This convicted me and I began to look for ways to love her.  This taught me how to be intentional about loving others, how to stay aware and to look for opportunities to love.  It would have been easy for me to think that God brought me into her life to influence her, but the truth is, God brought her into my life to influence me.  Her hard spirit was sent by the Lord to break my heart over her lost-ness and her need for unconditional love, grace, and acceptance, and to soften my heart and transform me into a person who really sees other people – who sees behind their outward actions and behavior and their personality and sees their heart and need for love.

We are called to be like Jesus, and to be called to be like Jesus is to be called to radical discipleship in the little things of life.  Earlier this semester the Lord woke me at 3am and led me to read Philippians 2, and I felt very strongly that this was a word for Bethel:

Phil. 2:6-7 - "[Christ] Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing..."

Nothing. This is sanctification. Not grasping for equality with God, but giving up all rights - the right to speak, to be heard, to be first, to be recognized, to be known. No pride, no vain conceit, no selfish ambition, no fame or recognition, no rights. Only by becoming nothing can all the fullness of Christ dwell within us. This is oneness with God. By becoming, by choosing, nothingness, Jesus reversed the choice of Adam to try and become like God. I believe Phil. 2 is going to be very important this year - the attitude and mind of Christ for sanctification -nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility considering others better than ourselves - looking not to our own interests, but to the interests of others. Becoming nothing so He may fully dwell in us.

Becoming like Jesus and being a radical disciple means putting others people’s interests before our own.  It means not gossiping about people or ridiculing others behind their back.  It means not being self-righteous and criticizing other Christians for not getting it “right.”  It means choosing not to get any credit, to give up my right to be right, to give up my rights to be recognized, acknowledged, thanked, and praised. It means no self-seeking behavior, no selfish ambition.

Revival and radical discipleship starts with something small – my own heart – my own small, weak, prideful heart being broken and then transformed and expanded to love others first and unconditionally.  When I pray for revival, I must first pray, “Lord, revive me. Show me my pride, my little resentments, my anger, my desire to be right, my desire to be recognized, my competitiveness and selfish ambition.  Teach me to wash others’ feet, to take the lowest position. Teach me how to become nothing. Teach me to put others first.”

Radical disciples are not the “winners” who “win” people to Christ.  We do not “win” people.  We do not do the work – it is the Holy Spirit who convicts and leads; it is Jesus who, by His blood, saves and justifies, and it is the Father who pardons and adopts.  People are not prizes to be won.  They are the precious treasure of God the Father.  As long as we see people as prizes to be won, we will focus on our ability, our work, our gifts, our church, our program, our strategy, our ministry. No.  The work is the Lord’s from beginning to end.  We evangelize and become radical disciples not to keep score, to prove our love for God, to achieve success. We become disciples in order to join God and to be in His Presence as He looks for His lost treasure.  Discipleship and evangelism, at its heart, is all about God.  God desires to spend eternity with people. The treasure of heaven is people.  He loves us so much he cannot bear the thought of being separated from us. God’s greatest act of love? It is this: he allows us to choose hell over Him.  We don’t win people. We simply show up and love and value people in everyday life – we put them first and then stand back and watch the Holy Spirit perform miracles.

Radical discipleship is everyday discipleship. Radical discipleship is choosing to die to my Self in the little things. It is choosing to love and to expect nothing in return.  I am not holy and my attitudes and actions do not make me holy.  Only the Presence of God within me makes me holy.  He alone is holy and worthy of all praise.  He alone is worthy of a crown.  Radical discipleship is saying, “I choose not to have a crown, but to throw it at Jesus’ feet and at the feet of those for whom he died.”   It is love in the little things.  Radical discipleship is everyday discipleship.

Invitation to Love

Last week I was contemplating a quote by Henri Nouwen:


“Look at Jesus. The world did not pay any attention to Him. He was crucified and put away. His message of love was rejected by a world in search of power, efficiency, and control. But there He was, appearing with wounds in His glorified body to a few friends who had eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts to understand. This rejected, unknown, wounded Jesus simply asked, ‘Do you love me, do you really love me?’ He whose only concern had been to announce the unconditional love of God had only one question to ask, ‘Do you love Me?’ The question is not: how much are you going to accomplish, can you show some results? But: are you in love with Jesus?” From In the Name of Jesus


Here are my reflections and prayers from this time of contemplation:


“Do you love me, do you really love? Do you love me more than these?” As I have contemplated these words of Jesus, I have decided these must be the most plaintive words ever spoken. The God Who is Love, asking if His followers love Him!? He is The God Who Wants us to Love Him and to love Him first. How often have I read these words, and how often have I read them selfishly – thinking only of my guilt of not loving Him enough? But, no. These words, this question, is not about our hearts, meant to convict – no, it is about His heart, meant to show us Who He Is. He is the God Who Desires Our Love. He wants us to love Him first, just as He first loved us with that “first love.” He is the first to see us, to know us, to love us – as mere one-celled embryos He loved us and valued us before we could do anything, before anyone else even knew we existed - and He wants us to see Him as “our first love” as well.


How beautiful You are O God! How beautiful that you would desire me, a broken, rebellious, deceitful sinner to love You! How awesome You are! I am so unworthy to love You, and so weak. But Lord, what little of my Self I have and know, what weakness of love I possess, I give to Thee, for You are All.


What grace have I? That You, the Most High God, the Glorious and Exalted One, the One who died for the world, for me, would stoop down so low and ask me to love you? What grace? What goodness? You are My Love, My First Love, My Beautiful Savior, The Wounded One Who Gives Me Life. What grace have I? That You should come to me? How unworthy I am to receive You, to know You, to be invited to love You. I love you, my Lord Jesus, for you are good and worthy of all love, all devotion, all desire.


Lord God, I am amazed by your wounds – your head, your hands, your side, your feet. You stand before us with arms outstretched and Your wounds declare:“This is how much I LOVE YOU. This is how much I desire your love.” This. Your wounds. How beautiful they are to me. You are the Wounded-One-Who-Asks-for-My-Love. O God, may my love, meager and poor as it is, may my love be enough to satisfy Your heart. I offer all of me to You.

Where the Air is Thin

There are a few places to which I return frequently to experience the Manifest Presence of God, places where I know I will encounter Him and hear His voice. Usually these places are wild, natural places - places where the beauty of the world and the diversity of life lift my eyes toward Our Creator. It is in these places that I sense His power, His grace, and His love most intensely. In these places I know Him as The God Who Sees Each Sparrow, The God Who Clothes The Lilies, The God Who Watches Over Me, The God Who IS Love, The God Who IS Holy - transcendent, perfect, righteous, good.  The ancient Celts described places like this as being "where the air is thin." That is, places where the earthly and heavenly realms appeared to come close together, where only a thin veil separated the two.

Recently, I've come to realize that all who follow Christ are not called to make pilgrimages to places where the air is thin, but we are called to create spaces where the air is thin, in our own lives, where others see, hear, feel, and know the beauty, majesty, goodness, and holiness of God. I know at first reading this may sound too bold and audacious, but Jesus Himself said that He and the Father would come and make their home in us. He says clearly that They are going to dwell in, or abide in us. Also, Jesus has sent us His Spirit - The Paraclete, The One Who Comes Alongside to be with us. Jesus also promised 'I am with you always, even to the very end of the age.' Our God is a God Who Stays with Us. 

The New Testament declares that our souls are Tabernacles of the Holy Spirit, as well as the Abiding Place of the Father and the Son. We also are to be Living Sacrifices, or places of worship, in our everyday lives and interactions with others (Romans 12). Thus, we are intersection points between heaven and earth (NT Wright).  If we are now temples and God is in us, then we may allow His glory to radiate from us, as we live with unveiled faces and live lives of worship and sacrifice for Him, creating spaces for others to encounter the Living God.

A friend recently commented, "We are all on a journey toward God." Through this blog I am inviting others to join with me on my journey. I am calling the blog "Into Thin Air," because the Lord has shown me that He wants me to "live where the air is thin" - on that narrow plain between heaven and earth where one knows God is Ever-Present and that He is there and He is Holy.  I want to live continuously in this place, this intersection, this place of 'thin air,' and to allow others to experience Him and to know Him through my life. May my life be a place of thin air where others encounter Him.

My prayer and only prayer for this blog is that God would receive ALL the glory and that others would long after Him with greater desire and love, and that His Bride would long for the Spirit to be poured out, to be immersed in His Presence and His Holiness. May "I decrease so that He may increase." 

May we all long to grow ever nearer to Him, climbing higher and higher on the plain of His Holiness, until the thin air disappears altogether and we are one with Him. Perhaps Enoch was walking on this plain of thin air, and then he simply vanished as he stepped from this plain into the plain of eternity, in one uninterrupted, continuous walk with God. In that plain, perhaps there is no need for air, for God is All, and He becomes the air we breathe. This is my desire. I want to live where the air is thin. 

Prayer:

"May I live where the air is thin - in that narrow plain between heaven and earth, where the air is sweet, fresh, new, and glorious.  O Lord, You are my Home, and You pitch Your tent within me, and the Father and Son make their dwelling place in the landscape of my soul. I want to LIVE in this plain. O may I abide here with You each moment of my life! O that I would live continuosly in an awareness of Your Presence within me - that I would live always in the thin air between heaven and earth...heaven within and the earth without... until the day we become one, and You become the very air I breathe! May Your Glory blaze from within me and may all I encounter know something of Your beauty, Your love, and Your holiness. Amen."